artificial intelligence program alpha (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kickbancaboose) wrote2014-06-26 08:17 am
kickbancaboose) wrote2014-06-26 08:17 am
dialogue references ( cw homophobic, ableist, sexist slurs. )
s1
TUCKER: what are they doing?
CHURCH: what?
TUCKER: i said, what are they doing now?
CHURCH: goddamn, i am getting so sick of answering that question!
TUCKER: you have the fucking rifle! i can't see shit. don't bitch at me because i'm not just going to sit up here and play with my dick.
CHURCH: okay, look. they're just standing there and talking, okay? that's all they're doing. that's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. that's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. so five minutes from now when you ask me "what are they doing?" my answer's still going to be they're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!
TUCKER: what are they talking about?
CHURCH: you know what? i fucking hate you.
TUCKER: what is that thing?
CHURCH: i don't know, man. it looks like, uh — looks like they got some kind of car down there. we'd better get back to base and report it.
TUCKER: a car? how come they get a car?
CHURCH: what are you complaining about, man? we're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
TUCKER: you can't pick up chicks in a tank.
CHURCH: oh, you know what? you could bitch about anything, couldn't you? we're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. what chicks are we going to pick up, man? and secondly, how do you pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
TUCKER: what kind of car is it?
CHURCH: i don't know, i've never seen a car like that before. it looks like a, uh, like a big cat of some kind.
TUCKER: what, like a puma?
CHURCH: yeah, man. there you go.
CHURCH: [ about tank ] you know what? i could blow up the whole goddamned world with this thing.
TUCKER: you know what? forget what i said before. we can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. probably two or three chicks a piece.
CHURCH: oh, man, listen to you. what are you going to do with two chicks?
TUCKER: church, women are like voltron. the more you can hook up, the better it gets.
CHURCH: yeah, i'll let you in on a little secret. i've, uh, i've actually got a girl back home.
TUCKER: oh yeah? girlfriend or wife?
CHURCH: no, man. she's just my girlfriend. you know, we were gonna get married, but i got shipped out, and — ah, you know how it works.
TUCKER: oh, well. you gonna marry her when you get back?
CABOOSE: i'm not going to get married. my dad always said why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
CHURCH: hey, rookie. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
TUCKER: no, i think he called her a slut.
CHURCH: i'll tell you what, newb. i can sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, i got a lot more important job for you to do.
CABOOSE: great.
CHURCH: see, we've got this . . . general —
TUCKER: right, the . . . general guy.
CHURCH: — who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. so what i'm going to have you do is i'm going to have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.
CABOOSE: when is he coming by?
TUCKER: we never know. could be today, could be a week from now.
CABOOSE: you want me to stand at attention for a week?
CHURCH: you know, you don't sound very grateful. this is the most important job at the whole base. you're going to be right there with the flag.
CABOOSE: what's so important about the flag?
CHURCH: oh, come on. don't they teach you guys anything in training?
CABOOSE: they didn't tell us anything about a flag. why is it so important?
CHURCH: because it's the flag, man. you know, it's the — it's the flag! it's — tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
TUCKER: well, it's — it's complicated. the — it's blue, we're blue.
CHURCH: it's just important, okay? trust us. so when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.
TUCKER: right.
CHURCH: so just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.
CABOOSE: uh, how will i know when i see him?
TUCKER: there's only three of us out here, rookie. he's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.
CHURCH: now get in there, and don't come out! man, that guy is dumber than you are.
TUCKER: you mean he's dumber than you are.
CHURCH: wow, tucker. that was a great comeback.
CABOOSE: uh, mr. church? sir?
CHURCH: oh my god. what! tucker, i swear, i'm going to kill him.
CABOOSE: sorry about calling your girl a slut.
CHURCH: rookie, shut up! just shut up! you're driving me crazy! get in there!
TUCKER: [ laughing ]
CHURCH: tucker, are you laughing at me?
DONUT: excuse me? sirs? can i ask you a question?
CHURCH: dear god in heaven, rookie, if i turn around and you are not inside, i — i can't be held responsible for what i'm going to do to you.
DONUT: what did i do?
CHURCH: one!
DONUT: aw, give me a break.
CHURCH: two!
DONUT: fine!
CHURCH: well, enough gabbing out of us. let's take this bad boy out for a spin. go ahead and hop in, tucker.
TUCKER: me? i can't drive that thing.
CHURCH: you're telling me you're not armor certified?
TUCKER: i don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle! don't you know how to drive that?
CHURCH: no! holy crap, who is running this army?
CABOOSE: hey! just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!
CHURCH: [ to caboose: ] yeah, okay. whatever, moron. [ to tucker: ] why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? [ pause ] wait a second. what did he just say?
CHURCH: let me get this straight: you gave this guy our flag?
CABOOSE: is that bad?
CHURCH: bad? oh, no, that's not bad. next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?
TUCKER: there! there he is!
CHURCH: where? oh, yeah! oh, i got him. he's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.
TUCKER: he must be one smart son of a bitch.
DONUT: [ cut to donut looking around ] oh, man. i am so freaking lost! where the hell is the base?
CHURCH: oh, shit. hey, tucker, look at his armor. it's red.
TUCKER: oh, man! that means it's their sergeant.
CHURCH: well, that makes sense. at least now we know how he got by our defenses.
CABOOSE: uh, you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing.
TUCKER: yeah, okay. well, let's take him out, then.
CHURCH: roger that. okay. say goodnight, sarge. [ shooting at donut, missing ]
DONUT: son of a bitch!
CHURCH: ah, crap. [ to tucker: ] what?
TUCKER: you're really not very good with that thing, are you?
DONUT: [ cut to donut waving around the flag ] hey, it's me! don't shoot! i'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?
TUCKER: oh, great. now he's taunting us. that's just embarrassing.
CHURCH: all right, that's it. i've had it. rookie, you stay here. me and tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
CABOOSE: right!
CHURCH: tucker, you ready? let's go.
TUCKER: there is no way i'm going through that thing.
CHURCH: tucker, we don't have time for this. why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
TUCKER: i don't know! why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
CHURCH: we already tested the teleporter, remember?
TUCKER: we threw rocks through it!
CHURCH: yeah, and? so what? the rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
TUCKER: yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.
CHURCH: oh, so i guess that's what this is all about, then. you're afraid of a little black stuff.
TUCKER: yes, i am. i am afraid of black stuff.
CHURCH: [ lifting his rifle ] tucker, i almost hate to do this to you.
TUCKER: you wouldn't.
CHURCH: [ HE TOTALLY WOULD BUT HE'D MISS ANYWAY ] you know, i look at it this way: either a, we go through there and get the flag back, or b, we stay here and i get to kill you. either way, i win.
TUCKER: for the record, i want you to know rocks aren't people.
CHURCH: duly noted. now get in there.
TUCKER: crap! all right. one, two — [ jumps through the teleporter ]
CABOOSE: [ after a long pause ] huh. he didn't come out the other side.
CHURCH: yeeeah. i've, uh, i've decided i'm not going to use the teleporter. okay, rookie, you stay here! i'll be back with the flag!
CHURCH: freeze!
DONUT: hey! why the hell were you shooting at me? you coulda hit me, dick!
CHURCH: can it! don't try to play stupid with me, sarge. i know who ya are. we've been spying on you for three weeks now.
DONUT: i just got here two hours ago, and i'm not a sergeant. i'm a private.
CHURCH: wait a minute, you're not the sergeant!
DONUT: yeah, that's what i just said.
CHURCH: well, then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?
DONUT: steal? i have no idea what the hell you're talking about.
TUCKER: [ appears through the teleporter ] three!
CHURCH: jesus!
DONUT: holy shit! who is this guy?
CHURCH: what in the hell? tucker? is that you?
TUCKER: how did you get up here ahead of me?
DONUT: and what's with that black shit on your armor?
TUCKER: hey! freeze, sarge!
DONUT: will you stop calling me a sergeant? i'm still just a private!
TUCKER: the sarge is still a private? oh my god. the teleporter sent me back in time!
TUCKER: [ to church ] look, i know you don't know me, but you have to believe what i'm about to tell you. sometime in your future, i get stationed here in blood gulch and we meet. and this guy here, he gets promoted to sergeant of the red army, and we spy on them. and they get this new jeep, and i'm all like, there is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!
CHURCH: tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?
TUCKER: i know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.
DONUT: is this guy a retard?
CHURCH: red, shut up. tucker, listen to me. [ music in background, slowly increasing in volume ] you haven't gone back in time, okay? this is the guy that stole the flag. he's just not the sergeant. turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. he got in somehow — just — for god's sake! what is that music? [ grif and simmons fly overhead in the warthog ]
TUCKER: holy shit!
CHURCH: son of a bitch! run! jesus! run!
TUCKER: the jeep followed me back in time!
TUCKER: what are they doing?
CHURCH: what?
TUCKER: i said, what are they doing now?
CHURCH: goddamn, i am getting so sick of answering that question!
TUCKER: you have the fucking rifle! i can't see shit. don't bitch at me because i'm not just going to sit up here and play with my dick.
CHURCH: okay, look. they're just standing there and talking, okay? that's all they're doing. that's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. that's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. so five minutes from now when you ask me "what are they doing?" my answer's still going to be they're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!
TUCKER: what are they talking about?
CHURCH: you know what? i fucking hate you.
TUCKER: what is that thing?
CHURCH: i don't know, man. it looks like, uh — looks like they got some kind of car down there. we'd better get back to base and report it.
TUCKER: a car? how come they get a car?
CHURCH: what are you complaining about, man? we're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
TUCKER: you can't pick up chicks in a tank.
CHURCH: oh, you know what? you could bitch about anything, couldn't you? we're going to get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. what chicks are we going to pick up, man? and secondly, how do you pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
TUCKER: what kind of car is it?
CHURCH: i don't know, i've never seen a car like that before. it looks like a, uh, like a big cat of some kind.
TUCKER: what, like a puma?
CHURCH: yeah, man. there you go.
CHURCH: [ about tank ] you know what? i could blow up the whole goddamned world with this thing.
TUCKER: you know what? forget what i said before. we can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. probably two or three chicks a piece.
CHURCH: oh, man, listen to you. what are you going to do with two chicks?
TUCKER: church, women are like voltron. the more you can hook up, the better it gets.
CHURCH: yeah, i'll let you in on a little secret. i've, uh, i've actually got a girl back home.
TUCKER: oh yeah? girlfriend or wife?
CHURCH: no, man. she's just my girlfriend. you know, we were gonna get married, but i got shipped out, and — ah, you know how it works.
TUCKER: oh, well. you gonna marry her when you get back?
CABOOSE: i'm not going to get married. my dad always said why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
CHURCH: hey, rookie. did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
TUCKER: no, i think he called her a slut.
CHURCH: i'll tell you what, newb. i can sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, i got a lot more important job for you to do.
CABOOSE: great.
CHURCH: see, we've got this . . . general —
TUCKER: right, the . . . general guy.
CHURCH: — who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. so what i'm going to have you do is i'm going to have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.
CABOOSE: when is he coming by?
TUCKER: we never know. could be today, could be a week from now.
CABOOSE: you want me to stand at attention for a week?
CHURCH: you know, you don't sound very grateful. this is the most important job at the whole base. you're going to be right there with the flag.
CABOOSE: what's so important about the flag?
CHURCH: oh, come on. don't they teach you guys anything in training?
CABOOSE: they didn't tell us anything about a flag. why is it so important?
CHURCH: because it's the flag, man. you know, it's the — it's the flag! it's — tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
TUCKER: well, it's — it's complicated. the — it's blue, we're blue.
CHURCH: it's just important, okay? trust us. so when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.
TUCKER: right.
CHURCH: so just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.
CABOOSE: uh, how will i know when i see him?
TUCKER: there's only three of us out here, rookie. he's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.
CHURCH: now get in there, and don't come out! man, that guy is dumber than you are.
TUCKER: you mean he's dumber than you are.
CHURCH: wow, tucker. that was a great comeback.
CABOOSE: uh, mr. church? sir?
CHURCH: oh my god. what! tucker, i swear, i'm going to kill him.
CABOOSE: sorry about calling your girl a slut.
CHURCH: rookie, shut up! just shut up! you're driving me crazy! get in there!
TUCKER: [ laughing ]
CHURCH: tucker, are you laughing at me?
DONUT: excuse me? sirs? can i ask you a question?
CHURCH: dear god in heaven, rookie, if i turn around and you are not inside, i — i can't be held responsible for what i'm going to do to you.
DONUT: what did i do?
CHURCH: one!
DONUT: aw, give me a break.
CHURCH: two!
DONUT: fine!
CHURCH: well, enough gabbing out of us. let's take this bad boy out for a spin. go ahead and hop in, tucker.
TUCKER: me? i can't drive that thing.
CHURCH: you're telling me you're not armor certified?
TUCKER: i don't even know how to use the fucking sniper rifle! don't you know how to drive that?
CHURCH: no! holy crap, who is running this army?
CABOOSE: hey! just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!
CHURCH: [ to caboose: ] yeah, okay. whatever, moron. [ to tucker: ] why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? [ pause ] wait a second. what did he just say?
CHURCH: let me get this straight: you gave this guy our flag?
CABOOSE: is that bad?
CHURCH: bad? oh, no, that's not bad. next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole goddamn base?
TUCKER: there! there he is!
CHURCH: where? oh, yeah! oh, i got him. he's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.
TUCKER: he must be one smart son of a bitch.
DONUT: [ cut to donut looking around ] oh, man. i am so freaking lost! where the hell is the base?
CHURCH: oh, shit. hey, tucker, look at his armor. it's red.
TUCKER: oh, man! that means it's their sergeant.
CHURCH: well, that makes sense. at least now we know how he got by our defenses.
CABOOSE: uh, you know, he came in the back door where you guys were standing.
TUCKER: yeah, okay. well, let's take him out, then.
CHURCH: roger that. okay. say goodnight, sarge. [ shooting at donut, missing ]
DONUT: son of a bitch!
CHURCH: ah, crap. [ to tucker: ] what?
TUCKER: you're really not very good with that thing, are you?
DONUT: [ cut to donut waving around the flag ] hey, it's me! don't shoot! i'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?
TUCKER: oh, great. now he's taunting us. that's just embarrassing.
CHURCH: all right, that's it. i've had it. rookie, you stay here. me and tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
CABOOSE: right!
CHURCH: tucker, you ready? let's go.
TUCKER: there is no way i'm going through that thing.
CHURCH: tucker, we don't have time for this. why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
TUCKER: i don't know! why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
CHURCH: we already tested the teleporter, remember?
TUCKER: we threw rocks through it!
CHURCH: yeah, and? so what? the rocks came out the other side, didn't they?
TUCKER: yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.
CHURCH: oh, so i guess that's what this is all about, then. you're afraid of a little black stuff.
TUCKER: yes, i am. i am afraid of black stuff.
CHURCH: [ lifting his rifle ] tucker, i almost hate to do this to you.
TUCKER: you wouldn't.
CHURCH: [ HE TOTALLY WOULD BUT HE'D MISS ANYWAY ] you know, i look at it this way: either a, we go through there and get the flag back, or b, we stay here and i get to kill you. either way, i win.
TUCKER: for the record, i want you to know rocks aren't people.
CHURCH: duly noted. now get in there.
TUCKER: crap! all right. one, two — [ jumps through the teleporter ]
CABOOSE: [ after a long pause ] huh. he didn't come out the other side.
CHURCH: yeeeah. i've, uh, i've decided i'm not going to use the teleporter. okay, rookie, you stay here! i'll be back with the flag!
CHURCH: freeze!
DONUT: hey! why the hell were you shooting at me? you coulda hit me, dick!
CHURCH: can it! don't try to play stupid with me, sarge. i know who ya are. we've been spying on you for three weeks now.
DONUT: i just got here two hours ago, and i'm not a sergeant. i'm a private.
CHURCH: wait a minute, you're not the sergeant!
DONUT: yeah, that's what i just said.
CHURCH: well, then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?
DONUT: steal? i have no idea what the hell you're talking about.
TUCKER: [ appears through the teleporter ] three!
CHURCH: jesus!
DONUT: holy shit! who is this guy?
CHURCH: what in the hell? tucker? is that you?
TUCKER: how did you get up here ahead of me?
DONUT: and what's with that black shit on your armor?
TUCKER: hey! freeze, sarge!
DONUT: will you stop calling me a sergeant? i'm still just a private!
TUCKER: the sarge is still a private? oh my god. the teleporter sent me back in time!
TUCKER: [ to church ] look, i know you don't know me, but you have to believe what i'm about to tell you. sometime in your future, i get stationed here in blood gulch and we meet. and this guy here, he gets promoted to sergeant of the red army, and we spy on them. and they get this new jeep, and i'm all like, there is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!
CHURCH: tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?
TUCKER: i know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted.
DONUT: is this guy a retard?
CHURCH: red, shut up. tucker, listen to me. [ music in background, slowly increasing in volume ] you haven't gone back in time, okay? this is the guy that stole the flag. he's just not the sergeant. turns out he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. he got in somehow — just — for god's sake! what is that music? [ grif and simmons fly overhead in the warthog ]
TUCKER: holy shit!
CHURCH: son of a bitch! run! jesus! run!
TUCKER: the jeep followed me back in time!